What it's all about...

I'm a 39 year old wife, mom, daughter, sister, aunt & friend. That should tell you who I'll be writing about most of the time.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A Question of Race

Julie asked me about our choice to not use an black donor, specifically because that is Shell's race.
First, hi Julie! Thanks for commenting and for reading!
Anyway, this subject comes up every couple of years. When we were first deciding which donor profiles to look at, I had every intention of choosing a black donor. I wanted our children to be a mix of us both, even if they really wouldn't be. I figured that it would be hard enough having two moms, I didn't want the extra scrutiny over how Shell could be their parent if they were white. However, we never looked into even one black donor. And that was Shell's choice.
My wife is mixed. Her mom is white and her dad is black. She grew up in the same city I did in an area that was VERY much majority white, at least when we were younger. She had a lot of friends and other than some comments by ignorant kids, she didn't experience any racial issues from her peers directly. However, she was constantly aware that there were no other kids like her. In fact, she was the only black student in her elementary school until she was in 5th grade. And only half of her family had the same color skin as her. Plus, her mom's grandfather disowned her mother when she married Shell's dad, because he was black. Shell never once, in all her life, met her grandfather. She wasn't even allowed at his house for holidays. Now the rest of her mom's family loved her and came over to their house and she was allowed in theirs, but never if her grandfather would be there. She says that she didn't care to spend time with that racist bastard anyway, but that is now. When she was little and her cousins would mention going to their grandparents' house for Christmas, she knew why she hadn't gone.
There was no talking her out of her objection to choosing a black donor. She didn't want her kids to ever feel any racial inequality, at least not if she could help it. She insisted that we choose a white donor. She felt it so strongly, and I respected her reasons. She has never wavered on that choice and although I still wish that we had decided different for many reasons, I am also aware that in doing so, I wouldn't have the kids that I have and neither of us would trade them for the world.


StephLove said...

Interesting (and kind of sad). Thanks for sharing something so personal.

Maria said...

A good decision, I think. If she felt so strongly, there was only one decision to make anyway, yes?

DaniKel said...

I agree that it was a good decision. And the right decision for your family. Since Shell felt so strongly (and I have to say that it broke my heart for her reasonings) but also because like you said - then you wouldn't have the kids you have now. Thanks for sharing!