What it's all about...

I'm a 39 year old wife, mom, daughter, sister, aunt & friend. That should tell you who I'll be writing about most of the time.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Back in August when my kids went back to school, I took these pictures of them but my daughters' ID had her name and the name of her school on it. Since I didn't want them in view, I thought I was going to have to forget about posting them here. But after asking my best friend if he could help me out, VOILA! Here they are:

L to R: My Boy, My Girl, My kids with their cousins.

Monday, October 27, 2008


I know, I know! I totally failed at my goal. So much has been going on and everytime I think I should write about it I feel exhausted just thinking about it. I really should write about the weekend in Breckenridge. It was ridiculously hard for both of us, but we made it through and he passed. I am so proud of him that whenever I try to tell anyone about it, I can't find the right words. The next step for him is to create a 45 minute form and perform it on Nov. 22 with the other people who made it through. Then he will get his conditional black belt. He has to do the form to music and after considering quite a few he decided to use Get Back by the Beatles. So far it looks great. Again, so proud...
My parents got a new puppy over the weekend. She is a 4 month old Standard Poodle. She is so sweet. Her name is probably going to be Layla, I love it.
We took the kids to Elitch's yesterday. They decorate the park for Halloween and have kiosks set up where the kids can trick or treat and get candy. We took my girl's best friend and Shell's best friend's son with us so the kids would have someone to ride the rides with other than each other. We went at noon so we could get cheap tickets. They were only $8 each and after 5:00 they were $36! It was a reasonably inexpensive way to spend the day.
I can't believe that Halloween is on Friday. We bought costumes for the kids last week. My boy is the villian from Scream and the girl is wearing a Renaissance style dress. We've never before allowed them to wear masks while trick or treating, but the Scream one pretty much demands it. My boy knows this is a big deal for us, but he assured us that he can see okay with it on. We'll be with them the whole time, so at least we can keep an eye out for him too.
Election Day is next week. I got my mail in ballot on Friday, and I've got it about halfway filled out. I don't want to mail it back in, so I'll be dropping it off this week. I'm definitely ready for the political commercials and calls to stop. Bring on the next president! Just as long as it's Obama...
My best friend will be here next Friday. I'm really excited, but I've got a lot to do before he gets here. My house is a filthy mess. The kids and I worked out a gameplan, and we'll get to work tonight. Bring on the cleaning and organizing!
That's all I've got for now. Time to get back to work. Oh and I think I'm getting a raise. Yay!

Thursday, October 16, 2008


I missed it. My one-year anniversary of keeping this blog was on October 10. I'm really proud of myself for still keeping it up one year later. When I started it, I really wasn't sure if I would be able to, but I did. My posting has been spotty at times, and I think I've only recently become more committed to it. I'm enjoying it, and that's really what's important.
Tomorrow is the day. The Karate testing retreat starts tomorrow evening and I am FREAKING OUT. I am so afraid that I will not be prepared. Tonight I need to make sure all the food is cut up and in a central area for packing tomorrow. We will pack our suitcase tonight and make sure that all weapons and sparring gear are accounted for. I am hoping that I can sleep in for a little while in the morning, maybe my boy will too. We'll eat a good breakfast, pack up the car and leave around noon. We're stopping by to pick up ice from my parents (they have an industrial icemaker), and then off to the mountains we'll go.
Wish us luck!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Looking Back

I've always been the type of person to have just a few close friends. I never had a large group of good friends. Groups of friends, but not necessarily ones I'd call close. I can tell you who my close friends were in every grade. It was usually 2 to 3 people, always girls. In eighth grade, I was a part of a close group of 5 friends, 2 of them were boys. I loved these people in the biggest way my 13-14 year old heart could. They still hold a place there, for what they gave me that year, a true sense of belonging & acceptance.

Left to Right: Alex, Mary, Me, Nathan, Judy

Mary, Nathan & I had parents who were still married. Judy & Alex both lived with their dads and had minimal contact with their mothers. We all had younger siblings we could commiserate about. Judy was the first friend I'd ever had who was rebellious. I spent a lot of time at her apartment and being around her made me feel less of a goody-two-shoes. We were inseparable all year, but after high school started, we drifted apart. I am glad we have reconnected in recent years. Mary was a lot like me in many ways. We were not edgy or daring. Our parents had strict rules and we pretty much followed them. We were not the types of girls who got a lot of attention from boys. We were not popular, any of us really. Nathan was Mary's "boyfriend", and was a very sweet kid. He was Mormon and had the strictest parents of any of us. He was a wild child just waiting to break out. Right before the year ended, he became my first "boyfriend". Unfortunately, once summer started, his parents wouldn't let him go anywhere or talk on the phone for long. That relationship was doomed from the start. However, it did give me some self-esteem that I was lacking. SOMEONE was interested in me. It was a gift I'll never forget. Mary ended up going to a different high school than me, and I ended up losing contact with them both. I have been in touch with both of them occasionally over the years, but nothing lasting. I hope they are both happy and well. Alex and I have known each other since the third grade. We were not friends then and after moving away, he came back to my school in fifth grade. That's the first year I can remember wanting attention from boys and failing at getting it. I wanted Alex to like me. He did not seem to be interested. He popped up in my life again in 8th grade, and became part of my family of friends. He always had a smile for me and was goofy and endearing. He never acted like he was interested in anything more than being friends. Our little group broke up once the summer started and my relationship with Alex suffered the same fate. We found each other again later in high school, and feeling like maybe fate had a hand in all of it, I agreed when he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was very short-lived. It just wasn't meant to be, for many reasons, some more obvious than others. We parted ways and although we continued to run into each other here and there, it's only been in the last few years that we've become friends again. I cherish the memories I have of him, but really hold dear the relationship we have now. He is a true friend, one that I feel comfortable trusting with vulnerable pieces of myself. He is not a threat to my marriage, nor am I to his. But we have a history that, although it's missing quite a few years, is special to us both. I love him, he is my friend.
There are many times that I look at pictures of friends that I've had, many who I have lost touch with, and wonder how they are and what they are doing now. I wish that I had known then to hold them a little closer and appreciate them a little more. I miss them and sometimes I miss who I was when I knew them. There are many things I would have done differently (who can't say that?), but there is no way I would trade the friends I've had.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Counting Down

We are in the countdown to the Breckenridge retreat now. 3 more days until it starts. I am FREAKING OUT and trying very hard to not let my boy see it. I am so worried about not being prepared. I'm pretty sure that I'll end up taking too much food, but better that than not enough right? We are heading up on Friday around noon and it should take us about 2 hours to get there. Check in time for the hotel is 4pm, so first we'll stop and eat and then we'll get everything moved from the car to the room. I am hoping we can then lay down and rest for a while until it's time to get started. He has to be dressed and ready to bow in at 7pm. And then the fun starts...
I put gas in my car this morning for $2.88 a gallon. I don't really have anything else to say on this subject, at least not that I want to get into right now. I just wanted to write it. I'm so happy that it's under $3.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Lesbian Questionnaire

I got this from Denise's blog. Looked like fun. If she can do it, so can I!

Are you sure of your sexual orientation? Or are you confused? 100% sure. Have never had one day of confusion

Are you open with your sexuality? Or is it a secret? I am very open.

Who was the 1st person you told that you’re a lesbian? I think I told my best friend first. It's hard to remember because I "came out" to everyone at the same time. But I think I said the words out loud for the first time to him.

Is your hair short, medium, or long? It's just above my shoulders, so kind of short & medium?

Would you ever shave your head? I don't think so, too afraid of how I'd look without hair.

Do you own anything with the Gay Rainbow on it? Oh yes! I have two bumper stickers on my car, both kids have Pride stuffed animals, I have a necklace and keychain, Shell has a lighter and a bracelet. We love the rainbows.

Do you consider yourself a Stud, Androgynous, or Femme? Femme

What type of females are you most attracted to? I really like soft butch girls.

What FAMOUS Lesbian is your favorite? My favorite? I LOVE Rosie O'Donnell. And Melissa Etheridge. And Tammy Etheridge. And Leisha Haley. And...and...

Do you like watching The L Word? YES! I am so sad this will be the last season. :(

What is your favorite lesbian movie? Fried Green Tomatoes

Do you have any Pride tattoos? If not, would you ever get one? No. I would if the design was right.

Do you go to Gay/Lesbian clubs? On the rare instances that I go to clubs, yes they are.

Would you ever be a Drag King? (If you’re not already) No, I don't think it's in me.

What name would you go by if you did do Drag? I have no idea. Never thought about it.

Have you ever been mistaken for a Male? No

Would you ever have a sex change to become a Male? No

How do you feel about Homophobia? There is no place for it. Anywhere. EVER.

How do you feel about Gays/Lesbians having children? The same way I do about straight people having kids. It's not for everyone.

If it were legal, would you marry another Female? Absolutely. I'd like to wait until it's legal in my state or until it recognizes marriages performed in other states.

Have you ever attended a Gay Pride Festival? Yep

Do you wear make-up? a little

Do you carry a wallet - or a purse? Purse

Do you wear Male clothes? I borrow shirts from Shell sometimes, and most of them are men's. I don't buy men's clothes specifically for me, but I do wear them.

Do you prefer wearing cologne instead of perfume. On me? neither. On other women? Depends on what it smells like.

Do you have several piercings & tattoos? Not several. One tattoo and 2 piercings in each ear.

Do you have a crush on a female celebrity, if so, who? Janet Jackson

Do you have more Gay/Lesbian/Bi friends than you do Straight friends? It's about even

Have you ever been gay bashed? Thankfully, no.

Did anyone stop having contact with you after you came out of the closet? There were a few people that I lost touch with after, but in time they came around.

What is your favorite gay/lesbian quote? Focus on Your Own Family

Do you believe you were born a lesbian? Without a doubt.

Are you proud? Or ashamed of your sexuality? I am proud of who I am, sexuality and all.

So I'm not perfect...

I didn't post yesterday. But I'm not going to consider it a failure, just an opportunity to do better. So maybe I'll post more than once someday to make up for it. Maybe.
I had an appointment yesterday morning to get my teeth cleaned. No cavities for me! Then I dropped my car off to have the brakes looked at. I was really afraid that I might have to do the rotors too, but thankfully I just needed to replace the brake pads. I had them do my oil change and a couple of other maintenance stuff in preparation for our drive to Breckenridge next weekend. $400 later, I am now officially stressing out about where the money to pay for the test is going to come from. And how we are going to pull off Christmas. I've got to buy a plane ticket for my best friend to come next month and I really need to do it soon to try to get a good price.
One of my favorite TV shows is on tonight. I have been watching ER since the very beginning and this is the last season. I know that it doesn't have the highest quality writing, but it is familiar and I love the characters. I don't watch a lot of TV, compared to most people I know. On Mondays I watch The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother & Samantha Who (or at least I will be once it come back next week). Wednesday we watch Pushing Daisies. Then I watch ER on Thursday and Ghost Whisperer on Friday. I tape Oprah every day and watch when I can, usually deleting about a quarter of them that don't interest me. This year, I'm taping Dancing with the Stars because my girl wants to watch it, thanks to my mom who watches every reality/game/contest show that's out there and "shared" DWTS with my girl. Of course, she wants me to watch it with her. I do it because I love her. I would not be watching it if I didn't. Well maybe just to see Misty May-Treanor in skimpy outfits... On the weekends, Shell & I watch Food Network shows together. I love cuddling up in bed with her and watching other people cook. Of course, if things like the Presidential Debates or the Academy Awards or definitely Christmas movies are on, then my TV watching increases. But for the most part, that's it.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

4 Weeks

4 Weeks until Election Day. Tonight is the last debate between Obama & McCain. After watching the first one and the Biden/Palin debate, I don't know how people still want to vote for McCain & Palin. I just don't get it. The polls are showing that it's close, but that right now Obama is ahead. I sent in my request for a mail-in ballot, so am looking forward to getting that and casting my vote. I am reading up on everything and will vote from an educated viewpoint. Doesn't everyone?
It's also 5 weeks until I see Madonna in concert. Kind of weird to think that by the time I see her, we will know who the next president will be. I hope that I will be in the celebrating mood....

Monday, October 6, 2008

My experiment

Well, I have posted every weekday in October so far. Yes I know that it's only the 6th... But this is MY goal and I can heap praise on me whenever I like! So yeah... I decided to attempt a month of posts every weekday. I see lots of blogs where the writer posts every day for a month and they call it some cute name that I can't ever remember. So this is my version. I am cautiously optimistic that I can do this. Even if the content some days isn't very interesting, I will still post. And let's be honest, most of what I post is only interesting to me (and sometimes not even to me), so my blog=my rules.

Our weekend was pretty much the same as always. Me and the boy at Karate all day on Saturday. This was the last big testing day to determine who goes to Breckenridge in 2 weeks, and our whole Prep Cycle made it. My kid did so great. He even stepped on a piece of glass just before going in to test, and with the help of some other parents we got it washed and bandaged and he was on the floor. I was really proud of him.
We had yummy chicken tenders with buttery noodles for dinner that night and Shell & I watched Bam Bam & Celeste. It is an independent film starring Margaret Cho who also had a large part in the making of it. We liked it.
I think if you don't find Margaret funny, you wouldn't really like it. We've seen her perform live twice and watched her new show The Cho Show, so you could say we are fans.
I'm a little sad that this was the last movie I'll have through Blockbuster Online. I signed up for it a few months back and I've really liked having it. Shell got a Netflix subscription from her friend as a birthday gift and we kept them both going so we'd both get to have control of what movies we got. Unfortunately, her gift subscription was only good for 6 months, so we had to make a decision. For the sake of cutting back, one had to go. They were both the same price and both had awesome turnaround time. Our deciding factor was that we felt that Netflix has a better selection of gay themed movies and documentaries. So our decision was made and I stretched out my Blockbuster subscription as long as I could. My billing date is next week, so I wanted to get my last two movies back with enough time to get credited. So off they go today. I am really glad we are keeping Netflix, even though we agree that it'll be the next extraneous expense to go if necessary.
I also finished a book last week. I haven't been reading as much as I'd like lately, there's just not a lot of time. So I chose this one for it's brevity (176 pages) and subject matter. Here is part of the summary from the book: "On a clear California morning when Lynne Cox was 17 years old, she had an unusual experience that stayed with her for 30 years, creating a spiritual foundation for her personal and professional success. In this slim and crisp memoir, Cox details a morning swim off the coast of California that took an unexpected turn: returning to shore, she discovered that she was being followed by a baby gray whale that had been separated from its mother. As Cox developed a rapport with the whale, she took on the responsibility of keeping it at sea until it was reunited with its mother." I thought it was beautifully written.
We went grocery shopping yesterday at Super Target. I point this out because we have shopped at Wal-Mart for a long time now, ever since we found that it was so much cheaper than shopping at the usual grocery stores. We have hated giving our money to them, but felt it was the most economical for our family. A few weeks ago, Shell shopped at Super Target and the bill was lower than our usual at Wal-Mart. So we've gone there every weekend since and have been extremely happy with the results. We are converts, and feel so much better about spending our money there. Yay!

Friday, October 3, 2008


Today we had our first parent-teacher conferences of the year. We have become quite accustomed to hearing that our kids are doing great/ performing above expectations/ behaving in class/ friendly and helpful; any questions for me? No. That's it, thanks for coming. It's rough, but someone's gotta do it right?
Today we pretty much heard it all again. Except this time, we heard that there have been a couple instances of our boy getting a bit stressed out over a perceived problem. One example his teacher gave: They had a diorama project which he worked hard on and turned in very proudly. His teacher made mention that there were a few students (none were named) who did not label certain items in the diorama. My boy (who was one of the non-labelers) said he didn't know they were supposed to label anything and his teacher pointed out that it said to in the directions. Apparently my boy then turned red in the face and tears fell from his eyes. Another time, his teacher wrote his name on the board with no explanation. My boy was visibly upset (again with the redness and leaky eyes) and when his teacher asked what was the matter, my boy said that he was in trouble but didn't know why. Teacher clarified that the name on the board was going to show kids who were well behaved during the day, not ones who were in trouble. He is a good kid, and likes being recognized as such. On the contrary, he doesn't want to be in trouble - ever. That's good right? I hope that we can somehow get his emotions under control by simply talking to him and reassuring him.
Other than that, both of our kids have straight-A's and their CSAP scores last year were at or above average for their grade. They rock!

Thursday, October 2, 2008


Why is it that if you go to sleep with a headache, it's still there in the morning? Or does this only happen to me? And not only did I wake up with the headache, but I felt like I hardly slept at all. I am exhausted. I am fairly certain that both are caused by lack of caffeine. I decided yesterday (after having a coke in the morning) that I have to break myself of the caffeine habit. I did so well for so long, only having caffeine once a week or so. Then my frappuchino habit started and on the days when I didn't get one of those in the morning, I'd have a pepsi with lunch. Well, no more. I feel better when I'm drinking mostly water and next-to-no caffeine filled drinks. So after just the one small one yesterday morning, I'm sure it contributed to the headache and tiredness this morning. But I'm determined to do this. Just one little baby step towards feeling some control over my health.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


It can't be October already, can it? The weeks are flying by and I'm just barely holding on & watching it all go by. So much is happening, but whenever I try to pin it down it seems like it's really not anything to "write home about". My head and heart are full every minute and the hours keep ticking by and I'm finding it hard to reconcile anything before the next one comes crashing in. I just read what I've written and none of it really makes any sense does it? Maybe it I try it a different way...
We are about 2 weeks away from the BIG Karate test in Breckenridge. My boy is starting to turn away from excited and is entering serious nervousness. It's going to be very intense and hard for those testing. We go up on Friday and they will bow in at 7pm. That night will probably go until 2 or 3am and they have to be up and ready to run at 6am. Saturday is all day ending around 2am. Sunday morning starts very early as well and goes until about 6pm. We will be tired, very tired. I am trying to get myself ready mentally for it. I'm afraid I won't be ready. Not to mention that the testing fee is due next week and it's $200.
Shell's 20 year old niece has some kind of mass on her brain that's causing horrible headaches and some seizures. They were going to do surgery last week, but she had a sore throat that ended up being strep, so now she has to wait until that is gone before they can operate. Shell is very worried and is feeling very far away. This has caused some tension since she has wanted to move back to CA for some time now. She wants to be there for her family and although I understand (especially right now), I really hate the idea of moving back. I just can't, not with the kids.
I got my car back... after paying my $250 deductible. It might take months before my insurance can get payment from the other driver's insurance. Not something I was planning on. I'm glad to have my car back, but to honest I was kind of glad to be in the rental for a while. My car needs the brakes replaced badly, and although I can't ignore it, it's hard to think about it with the money flying out of my savings already.
Speaking of money... I don't want to talk about it. We've got a lot of corners we should have been cutting and now it's a necessity. It makes me sick to think that people are so blind to what Bush has done to our country, that they don't see the damage McCain will do. I have been really hopeful that people will see that we need Obama to be elected, but at the same time I am so fearful of what will happen if he doesn't. That reminds me, I need to apply for my mail-in ballot.
Our health insurance is changing. We are insured with Cigna through Shell's work and have been very happy with it and our rates have been pretty low. So of course, our rates will now be going up and we have to change provider. I need to read through everything and see what is the best choice and have our decision made by the end of October. I really want to be able to keep the kids' pediatrician. He's seen them since they were a few weeks old and we love him and his practice. I also hope to keep our gynecologist. The practice is all women and one of them is a lesbian herself. Shell likes them too and is finally on a protocol that she is comfortable with. I'd hate to mess that up.
My girl is going through a rough patch right now. 5th grade is proving to be a bit of a struggle for her and although she's getting excellent grades, I'm a little worried that they could be affected. The social scene is so much different in elementary school from what I experienced. I second guess every bit of advice and comfort I give her. I'm afraid it's not enough, but I'm not sure what is. I remember being 10. Life was still easy and unburdened then. She doesn't feel that. I want her to so bad.
My relationship is holding on. Sometimes by a thread, but it's still there. We've weathered a lot of storms in our life together, and each one challenges us in a different way. And we challenge each other. But in the end we love each other and our family in the fiercest way possible. Sometimes we lose sight of our relationship and start to take it for granted while dealing with everything that life throws at us. When one of us has to say "Hey, I miss you", we find a way to reconnect and find ourselves again. Right now, I'm not a very easy person to live with. I'm struggling to be the happy person I used to be. I feel like there is so much pressure on me and I can't seem to find the "silver lining"/"light at the end of the tunnel", etc. I am not happy with my weight, but not doing anything about it. It makes me embarrassed. And sad. And angry. And I keep eating and not exercising.
My house is a mess. My yard is a mess. I feel like my life is a mess.
I've got some stuff to work on, I know that. I have no idea where to start. I'm living my life with the attitude that the days keep coming whether I fix my shit or not. What's the hurry? Clearly, that needs to change in a big way. Wanna come along for the ride? I'll let you know if I can make it. Maybe if someone else drives I can just ride shotgun?