Wednesday, October 31, 2007
My life has been crazy-busy lately. Work has been the most hectic and stressful for me it has ever been - in 5 years at my job I've never considered leaving. Well in the last couple of months I have found myself seriously contemplating it. This saddens me. I need to figure out something though, because it's taking its toll on my overall mood more and more. And that really pisses me off.
I adore my kids. I really, really like them as people in their own right, and I love them to pieces as my children. Their intelligence, imagination, creativity, compassion... Well, all of those and more just amaze me and make me very proud to be their mom. But as they are getting older, I am feeling less confident in my abilities. For example, they both had a project due for school. Same one, as they are in the same grade in a school that believes (as do I) that all kids in a grade should be learning the same thing, thereby leveling the playing field. Anyway... The project was to make a Medieval Castle. They are learning about the Middle Ages, and also had to write a report and do an oral presentation to accompany it. But the castle was the main attraction. I was lost. Couldn't figure out how to do it, so instead of tackling it a little at a time over the last month (since the assignment was given), we started it on Sunday. It was due today. My brilliant children have had their written reports done for 2 weeks now. To say the least, I was in panic mode. Shell had some ideas, we used a few. I had no ideas and flew by the seat of my pants. We did get them finished in time to turn in, but when I dropped them off at school with their castles, I saw other kids with amazing castles. I don't think I could have come up with those even with more time. It makes me sad for my kids. I wonder, but don't think I really want to know, what they think of me as a parent. I don't think they care that they have two moms, it's never affected them negatively at all. I want so much for them to look back fondly on their childhood. I'm afraid they won't sometimes.
The kids and their castles
Thursday, October 25, 2007
However, they are only genetically mine. We wanted desperately to have children, but did not want there to be a third parent in the picture. We agreed to choose an anonymous donor and do not regret this at all. Fast forward to now and here I am, a blog addict. I LOVE reading other people's blogs, especially those written by lesbians who are trying to get pregnant, currently pregnant, or already have children. Anywhoooo, I have read a few from moms who also conceived their children through anonymous donor inseminations. Many actually. And a couple recently have caught my eye and piqued my interest, because through Donor Sibling Registries they have made contact with and sometimes met in person their childrens' half siblings - other offspring of the donors they used. After talking it over with Shell, we decided it couldn't hurt to register and see what happens. So I did, and after they verified that I had a right to it, I was able to log in and see the information they had on the other children that were born as a result of our donor. It made me teary to realize that there were other kids with a similar genetic makeup out there growing up. I panicked as I wondered if they were happy and well-cared for. This is what I know about the kids that are listed (it's pretty interesting):
Boy/Girl Twins born Jul 30, 1998 - these are mine :)
Girl/Girl Twins born Dec 17, 1999
Girl born Jan 6, 2000
Boy born Mar 17, 2000
Girl born Mar 18, 2000
Boy/Girl Twins born Sep 23, 2002 - born to the same parents as Mar 18, 2000 girl above
So many twins...So many girls! On almost all of them, their email addresses are posted so I can send them an email and make contact. Shell and I agreed that we won't tell the kids about this just yet. We want to see what will come of the email first. I don't want them to think they might have contact with any of these kids, and then for some reason it falls through. We are being protective, that's our job. Now I have to figure out what to say in the email. Do I tell them that we are lesbians right off the bat? I guess I have nothing to lose by telling them, I'd need to eventually anyway. This is the first time I've felt that our kids may suffer due to it. Another reason not to tell them until I know that something could come of it.
That was quite the rambling post, it sums up exactly how I feel about this. Now to get the emails written. Here goes nothing!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
My physical yesterday went well, I guess. The best part was that my eyesight is perfect! I always worry about this because both of my parents wear glasses and I feel like it's just a matter of time until it's my turn. Luckily, the time has not arrived yet. I had blood drawn to test all the normals, ie cholesterol, blood sugar, thyroid, etc. I had a Tetanus Booster shot. Here were my concerns and what the doc said:
Achy Knees - My knees have given me problems sporadically throughout the last 10 years or so. Usually they bothered me the most when I was sitting in a tight spot (in concert seats, theater seats, restaurant seats) and couldn't get up or stretch them out. I had them x-rayed when it first started and the dr recommended stretches/exercises. Well, I did that for a couple of months and then stopped. In the last 6-9 months it has gotten considerably worse. It is almost unbearable in those small spaces and now after sitting for a while (sometimes as short as 20-30 minutes) it hurts standing up. Doctor's Advice - He sent me for complete view x-rays on both knees and will call me when he gets the results. He hopes it's just a case of not enough movement and normal wear and tear. It is probably exacerbated by the extra weight I carry. It could be early stage osteo-arthritis. I can't wait to get this follow-up call.
Fatigue - I am tired almost constantly. I sleep 6-7 hours almost every night and can't imagine that I'd need more. I'm only 33! I try to eat some protein every 3 hours, in case it's a case of my blood sugar dropping but that doesn't seem to be helping. It is not uncommon that I drive to work and/or home from work fighting to keep my eyes open - I am that sleepy. I doze off at my desk in the afternoons more often then I care to admit. Doctor's Opinion - The cause for this could show up in my blood work. He asked if I snore. Now a year ago I would have said no. But in the last year Shell has mentioned more than once that she has heard me snoring. This could be a sign of sleep apnea, which would also explain being tired so much. If the bloodwork comes back normal, he wants to try an apnea machine to see what it says.
Breathlessness - I am finding myself out of breath with my heart beating like crazy after doing things that never caused it before. I can't walk from my basement to the 2 floor of my house without getting winded enough that I can't carry on a conversation. Grocery shopping leaves me out of breath, sometimes just walking to and from my car at work does it. Doctor's Opinion - My heart was beating fast for the dr, he even checked it twice to confirm. See below.
Doctor's Concerns and Opinions: My blood pressure was high - checked twice to confirm. I have to have it checked again in about 3-4 weeks to see if it is the same.
The bloodwork could possibly give us a clue to some if not all of the issues above. In my opinion, losing weight and exercise would probably solve all of them. My wonderful doctor didn't once say that losing weight would "fix" anything, but it can't hurt overall. I MUST get some exercise in every day, and since we don't know what is going on with my BP and heart and knees, he insisted that I do just 10 minutes a day of very low impact cardio (walking). After 4 weeks, I am to go back and see what has changed. If I am consistently doing the walking and nothing else is going on, he expects that alone could bring my heartrate and blood pressure in normal ranges, my breathlessness should abate, I might sleep more soundly at night eliminating the fatigue and my knees might feel better too.
So, I think this might be the wake-up call I've been waiting for. I chalked the achy knees and breathlessness to being overweight. But the high blood pressure and heartrate is concerning. I have to do this. The only recommendation he made regarding my eating habits, was to limit my portion sizes and try to incorporate protein in every meal. I can do that!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
At 10:30 this morning, I have an appointment with my doctor. It's a "Well Woman Visit", basically a physical. I haven't had a "physical" since playing high school volleyball, a few years ago. I scheduled this visit because I am concerned with my health. I think that overall I'm probably fine, but I am very overweight and I know that can cause problems. My knees hurt all the time, I am tired a lot more than I should be, I get horrible headaches, and I Can't stop eating. So I think I will be having blood drawn as part of this visit, I hope so actually. A small part of me hopes that they will find something wrong, so I can have something to focus on "fixing". It doesn't appear to be enough to just want to be healthier, I obviously don't want it enough or I would be doing it.
I really hope that I am back to work from my appointment before noon so I can take a crack at these tickets again. Good luck to us!
Friday, October 19, 2007
Speaking of reading, I am reading a great book by a first time author, who happens to be one of the parents at my sons Karate school. The book is The First Key of Kalijor and the author is Paul Lell. I don't usually get into Science Fiction/ Fantasy, but to support his work, I bought it. I am loving it! He has a second and third book in the series in the works, hopefully the first one gets some notice and the others can follow. It's very good. I am compelled to finish it soon for two reasons. 1. It's great and I want to see what happens and 2. I want to start reading Rosie O'Donnell's book. My fantastic wife let me order a signed copy and it is waiting to be cracked open. I love that Rosie so much! I read her blog (among others) daily and enjoy her a lot.
Moving on... Next week is going to be interesting. I am training a new hire for our Utah office, here in mine all week. This is a new one for me. So today (once I finish blogging) I am dedicated to getting my filing caught up, and get my desk organized, so I can show her "how it's done". Oh boy.
Last but not least, today is my dad's 57th birthday. He'll never see this I'm sure, but I just wanted to acknowledge it. There have been some concerning incidents lately that make me worry for him, so I am hopeful that this next year of his life turns around in a positive way. I have come to appreciate my parents so much more in the last 10 years or so, and I really cherish the relationship I have with them. I am grateful that my kids have them in their lives, and really thankful that Shell is loved and treated as family. That was a years-long struggle, but now it's very comforting that it appears to be a non-issue.
Oh and yesterday my basset hound Willow turned 3. Happy Birthday to Willow and Dad!!
Dad deep-frying turkey
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Then on Monday... Rockies beat Arizona AGAIN in a 4 game sweep, sending them to the World Series. My boy and I watched the game, which didn't end until after 11pm, but it was so much fun to watch it with him. At the game on Sunday, we bought him a batting helmet that has Matt Holliday's number on it, so every time Holliday was up to bat, he put on his helmet. So cute.
So, we are going to try to get tickets to the World Series games. They will be playing here Oct 27, 28 & 29, which are Sat-Mon. I surprise myself every time I think "I really want to go". Who is this excited-about-baseball person I've become?? The tickets go on sale Monday. Shell is going to try to go down to the stadium and get them. I was planning on going online from work and trying, but I just found out that I am going to be training a new person all next week. That kind of puts a crimp in those plans. So we'll see. Ticket prices range from $65-$250. I'll leave it up to Shell what she is willing to pay. Oh, and Christmas is less then 10 weeks away... Merry Christmas to us!
Friday, October 12, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
- I have become (mildly) addicted to reading blogs, blogs that belong to people I don't know. And yet I visit them daily to see what they are doing in their lives. Before, I didn't think anything exciting happened in my life, so why would I need a blog. But after reading so many over and over, I realize that exciting things don't happen to a lot of people, but they still blog. So why couldn't I?
- I'm sure that nobody will read a (boring-see above) blog about my life. And I wasn't sure that I would want anyone I know in real life to read it. Would I censor it, knowing that they might? But I think I've come to the conclusion that I don't care. I don't care if anyone reads it, or if someone I know does. It's for me.
- My kids are 9 years old. I am long past: trying to get pregnant, pregnancy, babies, toddlers, and the stories that accompany all of those stages. But I find myself struggling at times to remember some of them, and that makes me sad. So, at least I will have a way to document the ones that happen now. And along the way, I can include those memories for prosperity.
- My life may seem normal and boring to me, but that's probably because I live it every day. To someone else out there, it might be interesting. Here is what I can write about: My lesbian relationship of over 15 years, the amazing woman I am madly in love with, our brilliant 9 year old twins, our very precocious yet lovable basset hounds, life in our first house purchased brand new last year, my family who I am grateful to have in my life, and my wife's family who I love, sometimes for the pure fact that they make me more grateful for the normalcy in my own life. Hee hee.
I think those are my obvious reasons for blogging. I have no expectation for myself to blog every day, or to make it interesting. It is what it is. I am doing it for me, so anyone else who comes along is just icing on the cake. Oh, right and speaking of cake... I really need to lose weight, maybe I'll get motivated soon and be able to write about that too. So here I go...Come What May.