Day 10

30 Days: Day 10-Something you’re afraid of

I'm not really afraid of things. Spiders are creepy and I am not a fan of them being on me, but I am the Spider Killer in my house and am always called for if one is inside. I am not afraid of small rodents or reptiles and I live for thunderstorms. Natural disasters are a frightening occurrence, but I don't fear them. The only "thing" I might put on a list of things that strike fear in me is heights. But even then, I'm not afraid of heights or even afraid that I might fall. It's just an unnerving feeling to have my feet off the ground high enough that I can't make one step back to ground. Also, this gets worse the more I weigh. Maybe I think that the extra weight will interfere with my balance. I don't know.

What I do fear more than anything is one day looking back and regretting how I've raised my kids. I would imagine a lot of parents do have regrets and I'm not talking about small things. I am afraid that my kids will turn out badly somehow and although I wish wild success with financial security for both of them, more than anything I want them to be good people with plenty of friends and someone they will love who loves them back in all the right ways. I want them to be happy. I know too many people who are not truly happy for various reasons and I don't want that for my children. I want to know that our decision to have them was not purely selfish, but actually placed good people on the earth. I want other people to think of my kids and be glad to know them. I fear the opposite.

Other than that, I fear death. Not my own, but that of my close friends and family. I fear the empty hole in my life that would result from the loss of them. I feel panicky thinking about losing Shell, my kids, my Eric, or my sisters to death. I dread losing my parents, but I know that the day will come when I do and it's inevitable. But I can not imagine feeling okay with losing any of the others. It's unfathomable.