It can't be October already, can it? The weeks are flying by and I'm just barely holding on & watching it all go by. So much is happening, but whenever I try to pin it down it seems like it's really not anything to "write home about". My head and heart are full every minute and the hours keep ticking by and I'm finding it hard to reconcile anything before the next one comes crashing in. I just read what I've written and none of it really makes any sense does it? Maybe it I try it a different way...
We are about 2 weeks away from the BIG Karate test in Breckenridge. My boy is starting to turn away from excited and is entering serious nervousness. It's going to be very intense and hard for those testing. We go up on Friday and they will bow in at 7pm. That night will probably go until 2 or 3am and they have to be up and ready to run at 6am. Saturday is all day ending around 2am. Sunday morning starts very early as well and goes until about 6pm. We will be tired, very tired. I am trying to get myself ready mentally for it. I'm afraid I won't be ready. Not to mention that the testing fee is due next week and it's $200.
Shell's 20 year old niece has some kind of mass on her brain that's causing horrible headaches and some seizures. They were going to do surgery last week, but she had a sore throat that ended up being strep, so now she has to wait until that is gone before they can operate. Shell is very worried and is feeling very far away. This has caused some tension since she has wanted to move back to CA for some time now. She wants to be there for her family and although I understand (especially right now), I really hate the idea of moving back. I just can't, not with the kids.
I got my car back... after paying my $250 deductible. It might take months before my insurance can get payment from the other driver's insurance. Not something I was planning on. I'm glad to have my car back, but to honest I was kind of glad to be in the rental for a while. My car needs the brakes replaced badly, and although I can't ignore it, it's hard to think about it with the money flying out of my savings already.
Speaking of money... I don't want to talk about it. We've got a lot of corners we should have been cutting and now it's a necessity. It makes me sick to think that people are so blind to what Bush has done to our country, that they don't see the damage McCain will do. I have been really hopeful that people will see that we need Obama to be elected, but at the same time I am so fearful of what will happen if he doesn't. That reminds me, I need to apply for my mail-in ballot.
Our health insurance is changing. We are insured with Cigna through Shell's work and have been very happy with it and our rates have been pretty low. So of course, our rates will now be going up and we have to change provider. I need to read through everything and see what is the best choice and have our decision made by the end of October. I really want to be able to keep the kids' pediatrician. He's seen them since they were a few weeks old and we love him and his practice. I also hope to keep our gynecologist. The practice is all women and one of them is a lesbian herself. Shell likes them too and is finally on a protocol that she is comfortable with. I'd hate to mess that up.
My girl is going through a rough patch right now. 5th grade is proving to be a bit of a struggle for her and although she's getting excellent grades, I'm a little worried that they could be affected. The social scene is so much different in elementary school from what I experienced. I second guess every bit of advice and comfort I give her. I'm afraid it's not enough, but I'm not sure what is. I remember being 10. Life was still easy and unburdened then. She doesn't feel that. I want her to so bad.
My relationship is holding on. Sometimes by a thread, but it's still there. We've weathered a lot of storms in our life together, and each one challenges us in a different way. And we challenge each other. But in the end we love each other and our family in the fiercest way possible. Sometimes we lose sight of our relationship and start to take it for granted while dealing with everything that life throws at us. When one of us has to say "Hey, I miss you", we find a way to reconnect and find ourselves again. Right now, I'm not a very easy person to live with. I'm struggling to be the happy person I used to be. I feel like there is so much pressure on me and I can't seem to find the "silver lining"/"light at the end of the tunnel", etc. I am not happy with my weight, but not doing anything about it. It makes me embarrassed. And sad. And angry. And I keep eating and not exercising.
My house is a mess. My yard is a mess. I feel like my life is a mess.
I've got some stuff to work on, I know that. I have no idea where to start. I'm living my life with the attitude that the days keep coming whether I fix my shit or not. What's the hurry? Clearly, that needs to change in a big way. Wanna come along for the ride? I'll let you know if I can make it. Maybe if someone else drives I can just ride shotgun?