Change 101

I'm feeling pretty clever about my title for this post. It's post #101 and I'm going to write about a change I want to make this year. Change 101 - get it? Hehe. So I'm easily amused...
The biggest change I am GOING to make this year, is to lose weight and get healthier. In my whole life, I've never weighed this much. Even when I was pregnant with full term twins. That's an eye-opener. My BMI falls under the Obese category. I get seriously winded and my heart is pounding when I go up the two sets of stairs from the basement to my bedroom. My knees ache all the time. I'm so tired of buying bigger clothes so that I have something to wear that isn't tight. I don't want to be embarassed to be seen. It's taking a huge toll on me mentally and I'm afraid that I am spiraling towards depression. There are other things that are contributing to that (that I'm also planning on changing), but this plays a large part. When I'm around others, I am constantly thinking of how I appear to them. If I look down and notice my shirt stretched across my belly, I quickly try to either reposition myself or bunch up the fabric. If I cross my legs and my calf bulges out, I'll uncross them even if it's more comfortable the other way. This summer when I was in California, I had a very hard time relaxing. And I was with family & friends who I love and who I know love me too! But I couldn't stop thinking about how I should not be this heavy. The two days I spent in L.A. with Eric were the easiest of my whole trip. I could feel in my soul that he didn't judge me for my weight, and that was so freeing. But even with that, I still suffered from the embarassment I felt when I was winded and sweating after we'd leisurely walk somewhere. The stairs up to his apartment were brutal on my feet & knees and although he was so kind about asking me all the time if I was okay, it made me very ashamed that he needed to ask at all. And I'm disgusted that even after all that, it's taken me 7 months to decide to do something about it. For real. I talk about starting a diet, starting to walk, wanting to eat better, eating smaller portions all the time. It's constantly on my mind. But I don't follow through. Well, now I have to. Not only for my physical health, but my mental health as well. I know that I will never be a skinny person. I know that I will have to work hard to maintain when I reach my goal. But I feel like I am finally ready to fight this battle.
Next week, I am going to start a 7 day cleanse program. Get rid of the crap in my system and start fresh. I've tried quite a few diets, but this will be the first time with the cleansing. I'm excited about it.
I'm not ready to post my weight on here, but I look forward to posting my losses. Maybe when I'm closer to my goal I'll be ready to say where I started from, but not now. To be honest, I'm not really sure what my "goal weight" is yet. I know where my BMI says is healthy, and the high number in that range is so far away right now. So instead, I'm going to make smaller goals and revisit the "goal weight" once I'm closer. Plus, so much of my desire to lose weight is to get healthy and feel better, so the number on the scale won't be the only way I'll measure my successes. This is going to be hard and I expect that I may slip up from time to time. I accept that and realize that a slip up doesn't constitute giving up.
I feel like the inauguration of our new president has made this week the real first week of the new year.
And next week will be the first week of my new year. I'm both scared to death and excited beyond measure...