16 Years

Well it's a couple of days late, but I really wanted to write this post, so here goes...

April 23 was our 16th anniversary of being committed to each other.

This is how it happened... It's gonna be long.

We met in 1989, through our high school's summer volleyball camp. Anyone who wanted could sign up for the program that ran during the summer and then once school started you would presumably have an advantage over the other people trying out for the teams. One of my best friends was a year ahead of me and already on the v-ball team, and she convinced me to give it a try. Now, I am not, and wasn't then, an athletic person. But, I saw how much fun she had and thought I'd give it a try. Anyway, it was HARD. The coach worked us hard from the minute we got there until we stumbled out every day. One day, we were running laps in the gym and I got cramps so bad I had to stop. While I was sitting on the side, everyone else was running. I noticed that other then the girls who I knew, there was one who kept looking at me every time she ran by me. I didn't know her, but she was smiling at me. Finally, when their laps were done, she came over and asked me why I was "so special" that I didn't have to run. Not in a snotty way, jut teasing. I told her and that was that. I don't think we had any more contact the rest of the program and then school started. I decided not to pursue volleyball after all and went back to spending my days hanging out with my best friend Eric. This was 10th grade. Shell was in 9th. Eric & I started eating lunch by the choir & band rooms, which is where a lot of Shell's friends hung out so she naturally ended up there too. I still didn't have a lot of contact with her, until she called me to say that she could get tickets to the Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation concert. Eric & I had tried to get tickets, but it didn't happen. She had apparently been trying to get close to me ever since the summer, and after learning about our failure to get tickets, figured it would be a good way. She got my phone number and called. I was so impressed that she would think of me. It ended up that she finagled tickets for me, her, Eric and my mom (who would be driving us). She told us that she got them for face value, when in fact had paid a lot more from a scalper. She did all of that, even though as far as she knew, I was very straight. After that, we all became good friends and pretty much stayed that way for the next couple of years. It was truly one of the best times of my life.

My senior year of high school, Eric had dropped out and Shell became the friend I saw ALL THE TIME. I spent the night at her house pretty often, and we talked on the phone secretly all night long. I didn't realize how strong her feelings were toward me until after I started dating my first (and only) boyfriend. At 17. I spent the short time I was with him talking to Shell about everything, mostly what she didn't want to hear. One of my boyfriend's friends became friends with Shell and she confided in him how she felt about me. Unfortunately he told my boyfriend, who in turn told me. I was a little shocked, and a whole lot confused. I started to realize how I felt about her too. The relationship ended and with this newfound knowledge, I started to push on the boundaries of our friendship. I flirted with her, teased her a little (she'd say a lot), and allowed myself to feel what I did. I was falling in love with her big time. As my sublety led to obviousness, she decided to take it into her own hands. We passed each other between classes one day, and she handed me a letter. Getting a letter from her was very common. This letter was not. It said that she thought she was noticing a change in how I acted toward her, and did I want to take our friendship to the next level? And she made two boxes and marked them yes and no.

I read it over and over and over and let what it was saying really sink in. I had no fear, I was giddy. It felt right to mark yes. I gave her the letter back and after reading it, we skipped class to talk about it. This was uncharted territory for us both. She was scared to death that I would "realize" that I wasn't gay and it would ruin our friendship. I wasn't. She was afraid that any backlash we might experience at school would hurt me. I wasn't. I was uncharacteristically sure of myself and my choice, I knew it would be ok. The rest are stories for another time. I wrote the following last year on my MySpace blog and it stands true still:

Yesterday marked 15 years that Shelly and I have been together. F-i-f-t-e-e-n y-e-a-r-s! That is almost half of our lives - together. We were 17 years old, and before deciding to take the step from friends to girlfriends we sat and discussed what we both expected. Somehow we must have known that this was something special and we didn't want to mess it up. We discussed EVERYTHING and and didn't commit to anything until we had come to agreement on all areas. Before we agreed to try dating, we discussed issues of monogamy, sex, how public to make our relationship, marriage, kids and what would happen to our friendship if it didn't work. I'm not sure how, at 17, we had the foresight to bring all these issues and more out in the open at the onset, but we did. And I know that it made a huge difference in the ensuing months when our relationship was put under a lot of scrutiny. We have had a lot of tough times to work through, and there have been many times that our patience and love has been put to the test, both with each other and the world around us. It's never been easy, but it's definitely never been boring.
So here we are, 15 years later. We have 2 amazing kids that make our life together complete. We bought our first house last year, and sometimes we have to pinch ourselves to believe that it's not all a dream. Somehow, all those years ago, we saw that this was possible for us. Those 17 year old girls dreamed a life together, against their families wishes and with really no model to go by. Most of their friends thought that it wouldn't last. The odds were against them. And yet, we made it happen. We made our own family together, with the friends that did stick by us, and in time our families came around. Was it hard? I've never known anything more difficult. But if we had to get through it to come to where we are today, it has all been worth it.

Top right: Approximately 6 months together. Top left: Together 8 months. Bottom: 11 months together - we are 18 years old.

Filler

So much is going on right now, and I am a little overwhelmed with how to put it down here. So to get my writing juices flowing again, I'm gonna write about the many movies we have watched lately. And there have been many... So here goes~
No Reservations - This movie was very cute. It stars Catherine Zeta-Jones as a very self-involved upscale chef who's life is turned upside down when she is left to care for her niece when her sister dies. Her status as head chef is threatened when a temporary chef is hired to fill in as she acclimates to her new circumstances. Abigail Breslin plays the niece, and I am finding myself enjoying more every time I see her in something. I thought it was a very good movie, and the food in it...oh my!
Miss Potter - Renee Zellweger plays Beatrix Potter,the author and illustrator of the Peter Rabbit books. She is considered an "old maid" by Victorian England standards, but is unfazed by it in the love and affection she carries for her characters. Ewan McGregor plays her publisher. Both of them are very good in these roles and the children's literature subject matter adds a whimsical tone. I am not a "fan" of Renee Zellweger, but I really enjoyed her in this movie.
Awake - Hayden Christenson is a very successful man who undergoes surgery for a heart transplant and has the unfortunate luck of being conscious throughout his surgery. He feels the pain and hears everything going on. And there is a lot going on! This movie held my interest from the start, through the twists that come out. Jessica Alba stars as the fiance of the unlucky patient.
Waitress - So so so so good! I copied this plot summary because I don't think I could have put it better.
Trapped in a miserable marriage and blessed with the ability to transform her misery into delicious desserts, a small-town waitress finds her life forever changed by an unplanned pregnancy. Every day, Jenna ies on her apron and serves her customers with a smile, and every night she goes to bed knowing that she is one step closer to the day that she can kiss her scarily domineering husband goodbye forever. A smart and sassy baker whose extraordinary pies are inspired by her daily trials and tribulations, Jenna fears that her dreams are all but dead when handsome Dr. Pomatter reveals that she is soon to become a mother. As Jenna begins penning a series of letters to her unborn baby, her life starts to change for the better in ways she never could have imagined. The final film from actress/filmmaker Adrienne Shelly, Waitress debuted at the Sundance Film Festival in Utah just months after the director was discovered dead in her New York City apartment -- the victim of a homicide.
Keri Russell plays Jenna and Nathan Fillion plays her doctor. I highly recommend this one.
Arctic Tale - This is March of the Penguins, except with Queen Latifah narrating and the focus on a baby polar bear and a baby walrus. This is a fantastic documentary that shows a small hint of what global warming is doing to our earth. If you liked the penguin movie, you'll surely like this one too.
The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill - This documentary centers on an area of San Francisco that has become home to a large flock of wild parrots. No one really paid much attention to them until a street musician started to feed and care for the birds and developed a close bond with them. I really liked this one, the man's care and gentleness with the birds is very heartening.
Iraq for Sale: The War Profiteers - This documentary angered me so much. It focuses on the profit made by big corporations when we are at war and how that affects not only the employees, but the soldiers serving as well. Why can't people see the money making business that this war has become? Check it out if you are tired of hearing the biased rhetoric we are fed from the "news".
Southland Tales - I really didn't like this movie. I had a very hard time following it and to be hones I even dozed off a little while watching. I'm not sure how to describe it, so I'm not going to try. Shell thought it was really good, it's just not my kind of movie I guess.

Nim's Island - We took the kids to see this at the theater and we all loved it. Abigail Breslin and Jodie Foster star in this. Just go see it. Trust me.

My First Meme!

Thanks Denise for tagging me. Here goes!
1. Do you like blue cheese? Yes, very much
2. Have you ever smoked heroin? Never!
3. Do you own a gun? No & I hope to never have to feel the need to question that.
4.What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? CHerry...Yum
5. Do you get nervous before doctor's appointments? Not the ones for me
6. What do you think of hot dogs? They are best with mustard & sauercraut
7. Favorite Christmas song? Carol of the Bells
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Water
9.Can you do push ups? I doubt it
10. What do you order at Starbucks? Grande Caramel Frappuchino Light or Hot Chocolate
11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? My engagement & wedding rings-but they don't fit right now :(
12. Favorite hobby? Reading
13. How do you eat your eggs? Usually scrambled
14.Do you have A.D.D.? No
15. What’s one trait you hate about yourself? That I procrastinate way too often
16. Your eye color? Brown
17. Name three thoughts at this exact moment? I want to go home; I need to eat something for lunch; I need to lose weight
18. Name three things you bought yesterday? I only bought two-Frappuchino & Bear Claw from Starbucks
19. Three drinks you regularly drink? Water, lemonade, iced tea
20 Current worry right now? Where am I going to get the money for my trip to CA
21. Current hate right now? The President
22. Favorite place to be? curled up next to my wife
23.How did you bring in the New Years? With my boy
24. Where would you like to go? Australia
25. Name three people who will complete this. Probably no one
26. Do you own slippers? Yes, they are red and have Mickey Mouse on them
27. What shirt are you wearing? a white 3/4 sleeve
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I don't think I ever have
29. Can you whistle? I can, but I don't have much control over it
30. Favorite color? green
31. Would you be a pirate? Really...what kind of question is that?
32.What songs do you sing in the shower? I don't sing in the shower
33. Favorite girl’s name? I like a lot of girls names
34. Favorite boy’s name? See answer above
35. What’s in your pocket right now? Nothing, I don't really use my pockets
36. Last thing that made you laugh? My coworker's flippant remark about a customer
37. Most frequently dialed phone number? Home
38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? I can't think of any injuries
39. Do you love where you live? I do very much
40. How many TVs do you have? 2
41. Who is your loudest friend? My wife
42. How many dogs do you have? 2
43. What are you thrilled about right now? That a very dear friend had her baby & he is healthy and beautiful
44. Do you have a crush on someone? No
45. What is your favorite book? I couldn't pick just one
46. What is your favorite candy? I love chocolate, and chocolate with peanut butter, and chocolate with caramel, and chocolate with marshmallows...get the picture?
47. Favorite Sports Team? Nada
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? I've never thought about it
49. What were you doing at 12 AM last night? sleeping
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? I think I'll sleep in longer, who needs well-styled hair??

Note to Self: Snap Out Of It!

I really can't put my finger on exactly why, but I have been really bummed out the last few weeks. And it needs to be done now, I am very over it. What could be getting me down...

• I can't stand being the weight I am. And it feels like the frustration I have about it is so big I can't see around it to do anything to change it. I feel like I'm stuck here.
• The kids & I are going to CA in 2 months and I am fat. Hmmm, I see a trend here... I hate that I am going to see friends and family who I just saw last year and I am about 20 pounds heavier already. I have such cute clothes, that don't fit. I don't want to have to buy more clothes in yet a bigger size, but I don't know what I will wear if I don't.
• The kids & I are going to CA in 2 months and I still have to buy our return trip plane tickets. How am I going to afford that?
• I have been screwing stuff up at work. I'm not afraid of losing my job, but I really hate messing up.
• They are doing massive layoffs at Shell's work. She feels like her job is in jeopardy. She is absolutely without a doubt the main income earner in our house.
• I feel like a bad mom and wife. And sister. And friend.
• I can't sleep. Maybe because there is so much rattling around in my head?

Well, that was depressing. I should probably list some good things that are going on, you know for perspective...

• Easter was nice. Shell & I put the kids baskets together the night before. She of course bought them way too much stuff. And they loved it all. We went to my parents for dinner and watched August Rush. I thought it was really good.
• Last Sunday we didn't do anything. We got everything done on Saturday so we wouldn't even have to leave the house. We slept in, made breakfast, and then watched TV and movies all day. We watched "All Over Me", an indie lesbian flick with Leisha Hailey. It wasn't as good as we had hoped. We watched "Gone Baby Gone", starring Casey Affleck and directed by Ben Affleck. It was very very good. Also watched the documentary "Paper Clips" about a school in a very conservative, white town that does a project to teach the kids about the Holocaust. It was excellent. I love good documentaries and this was one.
• Shell is leaving next week to spend 5 days with her mom. I will miss her, but I feel like at least while she is gone, I won't be falling down on my responsibilities as her wife. So I am kind of looking forward to that. And I am taking 2 days off work then too, so that's a very good thing.

So it's not all horrible, but still enough to put me in a funk apparently. What really sucks and gets me down the most is that what I am most bummed about are things that I could change. And the fact that I'm not, makes me more sad. It's a circle that I can't get out of. I need to figure out what it will take to break it and do something about it. And soon because I really don't like feeling this way.