Catching Up, Part 1

Okay, so a month is WAY too long between posts. There is so much to say about what has happened this last month, and quite a lot of pictures. Ready?

A couple of quick things I left hanging in my last post:

• The fuel pump in my car hasn't shown any more sign of failing, so I think it may have been misdiagnosed. It drove beautifully to South Dakota and back and is still hanging on.
• The air conditioner is working fine again. I cleaned all around the unit and it still wasn't working, so we broke down and had the repair guy come out. He said that there was a part (I don't remember which now) that wasn't very secure, so it was intermittently coming loose. He wrote it up as an installation recall, so we didn't even have to pay for the service call!

Now on to the good stuff, with pictures!

My kids turned 11 on July 30. We had a party at the rec center on the Sunday before so they could invite friends. There was lots of swimming and they got fun gifts. Then on their birthday, we had a smaller get together with my parents, CaSis and her girls, D & J and their kids. We had cake and ice cream and they got money to use towards our trip.

The birthday kids with their yummy cake my sister got at Costco. Her membership came in VERY handy while she was here!

The cousins. They all enjoyed hanging out together so much. But I can't believe how fast they are all growing up... :(
My mom and the kids waiting for the cake to be cut.
My babies. I can't believe that they are 11.

The next morning we headed to South Dakota. The drive went very smoothly and we pulled into Rapid City 6 hours later. The plan was to go to our motel and check in and then head to Mount Rushmore for the Lighting Ceremony. As we were approaching the turnoff to Rushmore, we decided to just go there then. We were thrilled to find out that although the parking pass was $10, it was good for the rest of the calendar year. AND there is no admission to the memorial. We walked the whole trail with all the viewing spots and took a lot of pictures.

The view of Mount Rushmore from the parking lot and the entrance.

I love this picture of Shell & I walking. My sister & her hubby are walking together in front of us.

The Avenue of Flags leading up to the viewing terrace.

My dad with my sister & I.

My family with the presidents.
The trail that we walked along went right through all these trees. It was very peaceful and relaxing.

A close up of the faces.

A view of the Black Hills of South Dakota over the tree tops. The scenery was really amazing.

My heart and soul.

I LOVE this picture of us that my sister took.
We went back the next night, since our parking passes were still good, to see the illumination ceremony. The speech before was kind of long, but the lighting of the rock was pretty cool.

We were kind of surprised at the size of it. It was smaller than we expected. I think that you grow up hearing that there are these faces carved into the side of a mountain, and you think that it's massive. In actuality, it is faces sculpted in a huge rock. While still awe-inspiring and impressive, it almost takes something away from it to have such a huge expectation. But we were very happy that we went and were able to do so as a family. Going with my dad and my sister and her family was icing on the cake.

Next up... The recap, and pictures, of our day in Deadwood. And what's been happening since then.

Soon, I promise

I will post soon and catch you all up. If anyone is still checking in, thanks. It won't be much longer.

A Quick Breath

It's been a crazy busy month for us that will continue into August. We have had good and bad, happy & sad. And the beat goes on...
Okay, enough with the song lyrics as cliches. What's been going on?

• As you know, the beginning of the month was consumed with my dealing with MJ's death. I devoured the Internet daily looking for news of any kind and listening to his music endlessly. This is getting better. I still read whatever I can find, but I don't search for it as obsessively. I spent a small fortune on the tribute/memorial magazines that were put out, which are still in the paper bag I put them in after bringing them home. My emotions are much more under control now and although I dread the day the autopsy results are released, I think that I'm ready. I know that the findings won't be pretty, and I've resigned myself to that.
• In my desperate need to listen to MJ's music constantly, I realized that I didn't own enough of his music catalog. Eric taunted me by letting me know that he was quickly accumulating gobs of songs via the Internet. So I downloaded iTunes and that addiction has taken over my home. It's bad. We are loving it, but it's taking a lot of time to try to find music that we've done without for years because the last time we owned it was on vinyl or cassette.
• CASis, CANiece1 & CANiece2 (see bottom of this post for explanation) drove in last Tuesday and my sister spent some time teaching me the ins and outs of getting music online. We talked a lot and were up late for the 3 nights she was here. Our kids played together so great and we really missed them when they left Friday morning. They left to drive to my sister's house in Missouri (where my mom is already), then will go play tourist in St. Louis and Chicago. They're taking a side trip to Gary, Indiana to find the Jackson's home there, then back to drop MOSis & her kids at their house. My mom is driving up through Nebraska on her way home to see a friend who was a bridesmaid in my parents wedding. My sister and nieces will drive back here, after stopping in Kansas to see the OZ museum. I'm so jealous.
• My kids will be 11 in 9 days. Wow. We are having a birthday party at the Rec Center this Sunday for them. They are so excited. They'll have cake & ice cream followed by swimming. Then we'll have cake and ice cream on their birthday with my parents and my sister & nieces (they won't be back in time for the rec center party). The next day (Friday), we'll be up bright and early to drive to South Dakota for the weekend. We're going to Mount Rushmore, Deadwood, Bear Country USA and whatever else we can cram in. Driving back late on Sunday. My dad is going too, so it should be fun. My dogs will be staying with my mom at her house while we're gone. We've never done this before, but if it works it may mean that we can take more vacations as a family instead of splitting them up. This is very exciting.
• Speaking of that, IF all goes well we MIGHT take a family trip to California over Thanksgiving week. This has just entered very preliminary discussions, so stay tuned.
• My CASis is graduating from nursing school the week before Christmas and I am going. Unfortunately, flights there right now are costing about $400. I simply can't afford this. I am thankful that it is still months away, but very worried that it won't get much better before I have to purchase my ticket.
• The fuel pump in my car may be failing and it's the car we are driving to South Dakota. The tags on both our cars are due.
• Our air conditioner is not working correctly. For the last 2 nights it's been 84 degrees in my house when I've gone to bed. I haven't slept well. The kids and I are waking up cranky. The chinchilla's cage is now in the bathtub to keep her cool. The dogs just walk around with their tongues hanging out. It's miserable. Our neighber who works in HVAC is going to come over tonight and take a look. I'm not very hopeful. I'm very afraid that something is wrong and will cost a lot to fix.
• Oh and our mortgage went up due to the amount of our taxes last year. It's only $40 a month, but still.
• My best friend's birthday is in 2 days and I have nothing to send him. Can't afford much and that kills me.
• We started back to school shopping over the weekend. Spent so much money and still have so much more to buy. They start school on August 18. My babies will be in 6th grade, that's middle school. It's just unbelievable...
• *Talk of Sex Life Ahead-Enter at Your Own Risk* Shell & I aren't getting along very well right now. The stress of our money situation isn't helping, but it's mostly about sex. My sex drive is pretty amped up right now, which is really wonderful and very welcome. Typically when we have sex, she makes love to me first as it turns her on and gets her wet so that I can make love to her. Whatever. Saturday morning when she got home from work, I got my turn (as she puts it), but she was tired and turned down getting her turn. Saturday night we went to a birthday party and had a few drinks. The kids were spending the night at my dad's, so we were excited to have the house to ourselves. I got my turn and then fell asleep before she got hers. I felt really bad and she was a little bitter during the day on Sunday, but seemed to get over it as the day wore on. Sunday night the kids went to bed and we turned on a movie. A naughty movie. And...I fell asleep again. Needless to say, she's pretty pissed about it. I can't apologize enough. I swear I really didn't even feel that tired. But apparently I was and she's mad. It doesn't help that the last few weekends haven't exactly been prime for lovemaking. So we were looking forward to this one all week. The weekends are really our only days for it, since she works nights Monday through Friday. So yeah, the situation this weekend sucked. Add on the money situation and the broken a/c...and it's kind of tense in my house. It'll work out, it's just a bummer in the meantime.

I think that's enough catching up for now. I've been trying to keep up with all the blogs I read, but commenting is still suffering. Now that I've written this, I'm going to go comment on your blogs. Thanks for reading, as always!

Gone 2 Weeks

~~This is a long post about my reaction to Michael Jackson's passing. Feel free to skip it if you want. It's mostly to help me remember how I felt.~~~

I have started and restarted and written and deleted this post so many times and it's just not going the way I had planned. 2 weeks ago Michael Jackson died and it rocked my world in a way even I couldn't have imagined.

I was at work on Thursday June 25, and had just talked to Shell because she was at the dentist for our boy to get his cavity filled and his last baby tooth pulled. The other line rang and I saw that it was Eric, so I hung up with her to pick up his call. He asked if I had seen that Michael (we always refer to him by just his first name. It's all that's necessary.) had a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital. I hadn't, but I quickly started combing the news sites for information. I was checking reputable sites like Associated Press, BBC, LA Times, NY Times, ABC, CNN and was finding that he was indeed taken by ambulance to the hospital after apparently suffering cardiac arrest. Still on the phone with Eric (thank goodness it was a VERY slow day at work), he told me that TMZ was reporting that Michael had died. I refused to believe that this tabloid trash gossip site was right. I mean, NONE of the other sites were saying that, so I held out hope. Dana called me to see if I was okay, as she was hearing that he was gone. I told her it wasn't "official" yet. Shell called me from the dentist to see if I had heard and I yelled at her that "only TMZ is reporting that and they aren't real news so right now all I'm dealing with is a report of cardiac arrest". By this point, I was shaking and panic started to set in. I still had Eric on the phone as we repeatedly refreshed pages and searched for new news. I saw it first and my heart sank. LA Times reported that Michael had died. I read it to Eric and started to cry. There was silence as we started to absorb the shock. We ended our call and it took everything I had to stay at work for the next 45 minutes. Shell called to see if she should come pick me up. I assured her that I could drive myself home. 5:00 finally came and I immediately found a radio station playing Michael songs. Tears fell from my eyes while driving home and as I sat in my car in the garage listening to the radio until Shell & the kids got home. I ate one piece of pizza and laid in bed watching coverage until late that night. Shell held me while I cried.

The next day at work was hard. Tears stayed in my eyes, ready to fall randomly throughout the day. I spent a large part of the day trying to stay composed, and failing for the most part. I was consumed with finding information wherever I could. Even reading TMZ, just because they had constant coverage. I listened to every Michael CD I had repeatedly. It felt a little manic, to tell you the truth. That still continues to some extent. That Saturday, Shell invited Dana & Jeannie for dinner. I think it was to distract me actually. Sunday was Pride, which helped get me out of the funk I was in. But then it started again on Monday. Shell said that she thought I was actually doing better than she would have expected. But I really wasn't "dealing" with it. It just didn't feel real yet. It started to hit me a little on Saturday the 4th when we went to the store for some stuff and found the first Tribute magazines. Holding those in my hands, I could feel my heart beat faster and felt the tears welling up. Shell redirected my attention before it went too far. The magazines went into a bag, and I haven't looked at them since.

The weekend was full of talk of the memorial service and the lottery to win tickets. Eric registered a number of times, but as we heard of the vast numbers of entries and that the odds were getting slimmer and slimmer, we lost hope. The winners were notified Sunday night and when I didn't hear from him, I knew he wouldn't be attending.

I spent Monday morning trying to figure out how I would be able to watch the service online and record it at home. Then Eric called. He was going after all! He had registered an entry for a friend and she was chosen. And she was taking him. I was thrilled for him and really I was thrilled for me too. Since I couldn't go, he needed to so I could hear all about it. I was really happy for both of us, but that was the calm before the storm. For the rest of the day, the reality of what was happening the next day started to hit and moments of lost composure became the norm. My Facebook status was "Monday has turned around for the better. I'm SO happy that deserving people are being rewarded today!" But when Eric commented with "although you know i wish you were here to go with me. i would give up my seat for you.", I lost it. I didn't WANT him to have to give up a seat to Michael's memorial service because I didn't WANT there to be a service. I didn't want Michael to be gone, to never again release records, to never see his beloved children grow up, to never tour again. I was angry and embarrassed and shaken. I was bitter that all these people were proclaiming their love for Michael now and it was too late for him to see.

I have been a "fan" for as long as I can remember. I listened to my mom's Jackson 5 albums growing up. She bought the "Off the Wall" and "Thriller" albums when they came out, so I listened to those too. This picture is me on my 10th birthday in May, 1984. I loved that shirt. The button I'm wearing says "I (heart) Michael Jackson". I changed my Cabbage Patch Kid's name to Michael Joseph Jackson (mylastname). Later that year, the Jackson's Victory tour was coming to Dodger Stadium and my mom went in with some friends to buy tickets (they were sold in lots). One of the people ended up not being able to go, so my mom told me that if they couldn't find someone else, that I could go. Soon after, my mom had a conference with my teacher who told her that I was very behind on my math homework. So my mom told me that I had to make up all the missing work, or I wasn't going to the concert. I worked my butt off, and did it. Unfortunately, I hardly remember the concert at all now. This kills me. And now there will be no "maybe he'll tour the U.S. again someday and I can see him again"...

This is me and my cousin on Christmas 1987. The "Bad" album was one of the first ones I owned. I can still remember studying the liner notes to memorize every word and reading the names of the lucky people who worked on the album. I was a full-fledged fan by now. My mom would even tell me, when I complained about having to do the dishes, "just imagine you are at Michael's house doing his dishes". Believe it or not, that's exactly what I did and it got me through A LOT of chores over the years. I used to keep my room clean, thinking that if he "popped in" (you know as mega-celebrities do) I'd want it to look nice.

I met Eric in the fall of 1988, and found a soulmate in our love of all things Michael Jackson. He was a reader of liner notes too, and we spent many hours talking about and listening to music. In May of 1989, my mom took us to Hollywood to follow the map of star's homes and check out the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It was fun to see where the star's lived and wander around Beverly Hills and see Graumann's Chinese Theater. We found Michael's star and took pictures. We also found the Jackson family home in Encino. THAT was exciting! We were standing in front of where he lives!

When we went to see "Captain Eo" at Disneyland for the first time, I was captivated. I thought it was the coolest thing. I couldn't convince my parents to let us see it over and over, but did get them to buy me a stuffed "Fuzzball" from the movie. It was one of the few stuffed toys I kept over the years of moves and when my daughter was little, she loved playing with it. The tail started to detach from the body, so I put it up high so she couldn't reach it.

After I bought a copy of Captain Eo on eBay, her interest in my

Fuzzball was renewed. So for her 7th birthday, I found a Fuzzball on eBay and bought it. These pictures show her face when she realizes what's in the box and posing with her new friend.

She is a fellow Michael fan as well. For Christmas last year, she asked for her own Michael Jackson CD to play in her room, so she wouldn't have to keep borrowing mine. She watched a lot of the coverage and specials with me after he died and was a big comfort as well. She understood why I was sad.

So back to the memorial service. I decided to take the day off, knowing that there was no way I'd be able to watch coverage at work and not cry. And it wouldn't be an option to avoid the Internet either. So I stayed home. I'm so glad I did. The moment I woke up I turned on the TV and watched his family drive to the cemetery for their private service. I was okay until they carried his casket to the hearse for the drive to Staples Center. That wasn't easy. I talked to Eric briefly before he made his way there and then communicated via text until the service began. And then the tears started. It was the "ugly cry" at its worst. Reality hit me full force and I did not take it well. Every person who spoke or sang caused more tears to fall. I couldn't have stopped them if I'd tried. When his brother Marlon spoke, I felt the realness of it all sink in and then when his beautiful daughter stepped up to the microphone and told the world how she misses her daddy...well that just did me in. I was a wreck...

So now here I am, two weeks after. Every day since the memorial service has been a little better. My wife is relieved to see me finding my way back to normal. I still feel the pain from the loss very deeply, but it doesn't make me cry every time I think of it. But to be honest, I feel anxious thinking about the autopsy results being made public. Like I'm waiting for that shoe to drop before the next round of grieving can begin. Because I know there is more. Maybe there always will be?

I still haven't looked at the magazines I've collected so far. My girl wants to watch the end of the memorial service with me because she missed it, but I can't do it yet. I spoke to a friend the other night who lost her mom a month ago and while she was telling me about the days after, I found myself thinking "that's how I felt about Michael". It's not the same, but it's how I feel. I feel a little embarrassed by my depth of grief, but it is what it is and it's real to me. I never met him, I didn't "know" him, but my heart broke when he died. And little by little, day by day, it's healing. But not very fast...

Long Overdue

It's been a long time since I posted last (thank you Teaberry for the nudge I guess I needed). I had a post started last Thursday when the news about Michael Jackson hit and my world came crashing down. I am struggling to compose a post about what he meant to me and how his death is affecting me, but it's been very hard. There is so much to say and I don't want it to sound random. I'm trying to find photos to include in it, but most of them belong to my parents and going through their photos is a task, let me tell you! But it's coming along, slowly but surely. Just know that his death was a blow to my heart and soul and every day I've found myself either crying or near tears. I don't think it's completely hit me yet, and I am already a little surprised at how much it is affecting me. So please, be kind. If you are someone who doesn't think highly of him, that's your prerogative. I just ask that you don't comment with negativity. Thank you.
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Even though it's been a couple of weeks since my cousin's funeral, I was just given this picture of me with my parents. Even though we are teary-eyed, it's actually a pretty good one. And I'm not sure when the last time was that I had a picture of just us.

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In other news...

Seeing RENT was AMAZING! Our seats were great and I may have had my mouth hanging open for a large part of it. We truly love the movie and know the movie soundtrack by heart, along with our kids. But seeing the production on stage... I can't find words to explain it. It was just brilliant. It felt like a life-changing event. After the show, we headed around to the stage door and

were just in time to meet and get autographs from Anthony Rapp(Mark) and Nicollette Hart (Maureen). We were so excited! These pictures are from the national touring company we saw. It was so great. I wish we could have gone again while they were here.

My boy had his first cooking class last week. He is taking three this summer through our city rec center. His first was about pasta, and he learned to make homemade ravioli. It was so good. He had such a great time. He really loves to cook. I can't wait to have him make homemade pasta for dinner sometime.

Sunday was Denver Pride and we had been looking forward to it. The kids LOVE going and as an added bonus, Debbie Gibson was the main performer. We packed up the wagon & cooler and went with Dana & Jeannie and the kids. We were running a little late but got in place just as the Dykes on Bikes passed by. Phew! That's one of Shell's favorites, besides the PFLAG groups. We watched for a while, then let the kids play in the park. While we were walking through all the vendors, we found a face-painting booth. Thinking it would be a quick & fun thing for the kids and would kill a little time before we needed to find seats for the show, we got in line. Well, quick it was not. We were there for so long! Finally we were done, and headed in to the show. Debbie Gibson was really great. She sang "Out of the Blue", "Electric Youth", "Foolish Beat", a medley from the Broadway shows she's done, "Only in my Dreams" and a few others. She looks HOT! Oh my, she looked good. So to wrap this up, a few from Pride.

My kids playing in the trees

Shell & I and Jeannie & Dana

My Tiger boy and Bunny girl

For "Only In My Dreams" she pulled people from the audience to dance onstage with her

Looking Up

Since the news of my cousin's passing, it's been a roller coaster of emotions and events around here. The service was last Thursday and it was really beautiful. His daughter sang a song (I still don't know how. I was a sobbing mess, she did great.) and I visited with family from out of town who I hadn't seen in quite awhile. Shell stayed home with the kids, so I went with my parents. We helped transport food & flowers back to the house and then stayed there visiting until I had to get home so Shell could leave for work. It was really hard to go through all the emotions of the day without her, and since I walked in as she walked out I really missed her that night. Last Sunday we had lunch at White Fence Farm with my parents, my grandma, my mom's cousin & her husband and the wife and kids of my cousin who passed. It was a really nice afternoon, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't glad to be home that evening with my wife cuddling and watching movies. The fear that something could happen to her is with me constantly now, and I find myself struggling at times to get past that and function normally. I guess it's good that I'm not taking her for granted, but I found myself with tears in my eyes this morning when I left for work because we had argued and I couldn't stop thinking that if something happened to her while I was gone, it would be the last time I had with her. Couple that with the fact I was just irritated by what we were arguing about and I couldn't decide if I was happy or sad to be leaving! Oh, and I'm going to start my period soon so I'd better hold on tight because this could be a bumpy ride!
We are going to see Rent tonight and I am beside myself with excitement. I feel like I've been waiting to see this forever and watching the movie just intensified that. Plus, the actors who played Roger and Mark in the movie and original stage production are in this tour as well. And our seats are in the THIRD ROW! Oh, I can't WAIT to get off work so I can go home and shower, drop the kids off with my parents and head to the theater.
And speaking of tickets, Shell surprised me with tickets to see the 1964: The Tribute band play at Red Rocks in August. I went with my dad 2 years ago and last year we took my boy and we had such a great time. So we're going again, the three of us with the shared love for The Beatles.
This week at work has been a challenge. We had Internet problems Monday through Thursday, so today is the first day I've been able to access my work for a full day. I am so behind on entry, it's not pretty. I've considered coming in this weekend to get more caught up. I'm still thinking about it.
The only other news is that the kids saw the dentist this week for their routine cleanings & exams and my boy has his first cavity. So he'll go back in 2 weeks to get that filled and have his last remaining baby tooth pulled.
Oh, one more thing. We got the kids last report cards in the mail this week and they both had straight A's! And they will be in honors classes next year, so middle school, here we come!

A Lesbian Family Weekend...

I am an LGBT family. What to write for the Blogging for LGBT Families Day? What if I just wrote about what life was like in my house over the past weekend? Would that be enough? I hope so...because that's what this is. Life in my LGBT family is not spectacular, not shocking, not all that interesting really. It's probably extremely similar to life in a "normal" family. I guess to some, that's shocking enough.
This past weekend was not typical for my family, and I am very thankful for that. Shell got home from work around 6:30 that morning and we snuggled for a while and fell asleep. My mom called at 8:00 with bad news. Her cousin's son (the one who I turned to about our TV issue) had passed away early that morning from a massive heart attack. He was only 47 years old. To say this was unexpected would be a gross understatement. He left behind his wife, his 18 year old daughter and 16 year old son. I wasn't close to them, but my heart aches to think of how his wife must feel.
We already had made plans to take the kids to see Up that afternoon, so off to the theater we went. It was a really great movie, but sad too. Shell & I found ourselves crying & laughing, so I'd call it good for adults too.
After the movie, I went to pay my respects. It was very difficult. Tears flowed easily and I was glad to be able to show my support. The service will be on Thursday, and I am expecting to be able to attend. I was happy to hear that they are donating his organs and I hope that knowing he will continue to help others will help in their healing. Needless to say, I spent the rest of Saturday night being very clingy and wanting to be thisclose to Shell. I couldn't stop thinking of how it would be to lose her so suddenly and it just broke my heart. It was a rough evening.
Sunday started so good and just got better. Our computer arrived on Friday, so my friend from work came over Sunday to get it all set up for us. It was very exciting. I also took the dogs to the groomer, so I didn't have to deal with them barking every time he moved. Made it so much better. We made fried rice and egg rolls for dinner and had a very relaxing evening.
I've also been doing Wii Fit all week, only missing one day. I really, really like it. I'm going to try the Wii Active tonight. I've heard it's quite a workout.
And thanks to Facebook, and the death in our family, I've reconnected with my cousin who I've had little to no contact with since we were much younger. My grandma (mom's mother) was married 3 times and had 4 children. None of them are very close. Between them, there are 7 kids (I am the second oldest of those) and these cousins are not close either. Never have been, due to our parents distance I'm sure. Unfortunately, the "family news" we get is usually akin to gossip as it's pretty one-sided and subject to the interpretations of the person sharing the news. To try to break this cycle before it infects our kids, my older cousin & I are trying to fill in the gaps with our own lives and tell our stories first-hand. I'm glad, as it's always made me sad that I'm not close to any of my cousins, on either side of my family.